Alexis Senge JohnsonWhen I was pregnant with our firstborn I was flooded in a sea of unsolicited advice from family, friends and even complete strangers. There was so much information that I was inundated with and yet, the moment he was born I quickly realized there were soooo many thing people didn’t bother telling me. Well, I refuse to keep it all to myself like everyone before me did. I’m here to put it all out there before the next new mom has to find it out the hard way like I did.
The Hospital
I would have seriously appreciated someone telling me to not bother packing anything other than a toothbrush, hairbrush, headband, hair tie, socks and cell phone charger for myself to have at the hospital. Everything else stayed in my bag during my time in the hospital so why bother stressing yourself out over what to pack. I never left the hospital gown the first time around. The second time I brought one wrap dress and I only put it on because I forced myself to. I did use the outfit I brought for the boys to take them home in, but everything I brought for me was untouched.
You could be in for the long haul where delivery is concerned OR you could be taken by surprise and deliver faster than expected. My best friend went through the ringer. She’s the strongest woman I know and was seriously tested with her labor taking over 40 hours. Our first arrived 8 hours after my water broke and the second arrived 4 hours after contractions began. We all have a different experiences so there’s no one way to prepare. You can stress yourself out over your birth plan but your labor and delivery, much like the future with your little one that lies ahead, will be determined by them and somewhat out of your control. Be prepared to roll with the punches and do what’s best for you and the baby when needed.
Also, you’re going to be in love with the mesh undies for at least the first week or so. Snag as many pairs as you can and thank me later for that pro tip. Also, for those of you that don’t have a doctor that will touch on post-delivery details (count me in that category 3.5 years ago), you’re going to want to stock up on pads large enough to act as a flotation device so you’re not sending your husband out for them after you realize the severity of your nether region’s situation. It’s not going to be pretty for a while, so it’s about being sanitary and comfortable. Wish I had a pro tip for those of you going through the battle that is a c-section, but I’m not a veteran of that war so unfortunately I don’t have anything helpful there.
Breast Feeding
It sucks. I could just stop there, since that pretty much sums it up, but then I’d leave out all the usable tips so here it goes. There’s a slew of concoctions on the market that say they will help you through the pain and chapped body parts. Everyone of your friends will swear on a different one and it will drive you insane trying to figure out the right one to buy without breaking the bank. Let me save you a fortune…buy a head of cabbage and put it in your fridge right now! The minute you’re done feeding your little angel, tear off a piece fresh from the cold fridge (clean it) and shove it into your bra as fast as you can. Saved me hundreds of dollars and helped me survive that first month with a reasonable level of pain; because there will be pain no matter what you do.
Secondly, fed is best so if you’re like me and breastfeeding/pumping turns into a hazardous nightmare then know that giving your baby formula WILL NOT be the end of the world. If someone tries to tell you otherwise, consider this your permission to handle anyone who disrespectfully tells you how to feed your own child accordingly; with the utter disrespect that goes along with being a sleep deprived new mama. Heck, even squeeze out some tears, which won’t be hard at that moment, and make them feel as bad as they just made you feel. It won’t be your pediatrician saying these things, because (spoiler alert) they follow the fed is best theory too, but it might be family/friends/strangers so be prepared to stand your ground and know that as long as your cherub is eating then you made the best decision for you both.
Know that if you decide to return to work that you’ll need a plan for breastfeeding/pumping during working hours unless your little one is on formula by then. I didn’t think that far out when my first was born and realized once I returned that there wasn’t a convenient place to pump that was ideal. My option was ideal and too far away to be accessible in the time I had or a stinky, not air conditioned, bathroom that was steps from my office. A mom’s got to do what a mom’s got to do, so start weighing your options so you can at least be prepared with everything needed in case you end up in a less than ideal situation.
Returning to Work?
Don’t feel back if you don’t want to return to work. Don’t feel bad if you want to return to work. Don’t let others tell you which is the right thing for you, unless they are a professional helping you through post-partum (another subject I’ll leave to more qualified people to discuss).
When our second was born I had just started working somewhere new and didn’t have FMLA accessible to me. I knew I wanted to return to work but, with only 5 days of accrued vacation, I didn’t realize I’d be back so soon. My family all chipped in to try to help me and my employer even allowed me to work remotely until my doctor signed off on being fully functioning 6 weeks after he was born. It was at that point that I started having to hit the road traveling and realized quickly that I didn’t know how I would feed him while being away.
My mom traveled with me for a conference so I could bring him and for all other road trips I was lugging around a cooler full of expressed milk and panicking about making it home in time so he wouldn’t run out of the supply I left there before I made it back. Just last week that I heard there’s a service for working mamas to ship their milk home within 24 hours of pumping it. That would have been a lifesaver, so look it up if you’ll be in the same case as me.
Depression and Guilt
Post-partum is no joke from what friends and family have shared with me. Immediately seek help as soon as you realize it and know that doesn’t make you any less of a mom. As a matter of fact, I think it makes you a superhero for stepping up and getting yourself the help needed. If you have a partner, share with them what you’re going through so they can help you in any way possible. Although children inevitably change the dynamic of a relationship, so will depression if you don’t let them know what’s going on in your head.
Mom guilt is real and it can be that b!tch that won’t stop annoying you at every turn. Know you’re not alone. We all have it and we can all help each other threw it. I had serious mom guilt after our first was born and it only amplified itself after our second joined the family. My friends and family help me through moments that force mom guilt to rear its ugly head (like working on birthdays, holidays, and other major family events) and it’s because I was open and honest about how horrible I was feeling. It’s okay to share with those you trust. They are there to help you and they love you.
Baby Supplies
Every baby has different needs and preferences. I’m not joking on this one. While you can spend hours carefully crafting a baby shower registry, it’s all just a guess as to what you’ll want. The only thing both our boys agreed on was they hated pacifiers. That’s it! Different preferences on literally everything else on this earth.
Fill your registry with thing you know you’ll need like a bottle drying rack or station because at some point you’ll use it for bottles, pump supplies, or sippy cups down the road so you can’t go wrong there. For everything else, pick a diverse selection of stuff. That will allow you to try different pacifiers, bottles, diapers, wipes and burp cloths until you find the one that works best and then you can invest in a whole bunch to get you through. We purchased or gladly accepted bouncers, swings, and even strollers second hand. They were in perfect condition and we then returned the favor by passing them along to someone else wishing to not break the bank. It’s good for your wallet and even better for the planet.
Motherhood
Motherhood is a full-time job in itself; especially in the beginning. There will be days when you realize you never ate and others when you can’t even remember the last time you showered. It’s inevitable that you will find yourself unable to identify your newest fashion accessory of either slobber, food or boogers at some point in time.
When you’re up late at night scrolling through social media just remember this…no mom is perfect. That glamourous mom of triplets, the one with the six pack in her matching bikini surrounded by tiny look-a-likes eating an organic homemade picnic, she’s got help you don’t see. She’s got filters, either good genetics or a personal chef and trainer, she has extra hands helping her behind the scenes so none of those little replicas make a get away attempt, and she’s not portraying the true story. Don’t compare your real life to her altered photographic representation of perfection. Breastfed or formula fed, disposable or cloth diapers, organic or chicken nuggets from the drive thru…you do you and make the best choices for your kids given the situation at hand each day.
It’s a miracle that we can grow and then nourish another human being, but what people don’t tell you is that it comes at a price. We give up our bodies, nights of sleep, sometimes our career and the ability to ever again think of only ourselves without guilt for doing so. The result is a new generation that we’re responsible for carefully molding into decent adults as the years fly by. Here’s the secret, we may all have tips and suggestions but none of us truly know what the heck we are doing. We’re all just winging it like a good eyeliner and that’s okay. Follow your heart, seek professional help when needed and never doubt your gut because it almost always knows best.
