My Top 5 Replies

That’s it!  I just can’t stand it another day.  Not that long ago I discussed how less than enthused I am by the amount of people who ask me about when we’re going to have children and why it hasn’t happened yet.  I recently stumbled upon a Huffington Post piece written by Jennifer Palumbo that made me laugh out loud about mid way through when I got to this:

I once knew a couple who had an extremely long and difficult time having children. Whenever anyone asked them when they were having kids, they would immediately respond with, “When do you plan on trying anal sex?” Yes, this is a blunt and graphic retort but, boy, was it effective! It made it clear that perhaps asking them about their plans to procreate is not up for an open forum.

Feel free to check out the rest of her piece.  The title of it alone is one that will make you chuckle and I found it to be refreshing to hear someone who echoed my feelings on the topic.  After I vented during my first post on this topic I thought I would be able to move forward without listing all the new creative responses that I began crafting for the next few people who asked.  Well, clearly I was wrong.  For your reading pleasure, please take a look at my top five equally insulting replies I have put into use since the questions from strangers about why we don’t have kids yet keep rolling in.

1. I’m sorry, I know that you just asked me something, but while you were talking I was standing here wondering when you were planning on buying a mirror to utilize before you leave your house for the day dressed like that.  I was so distracted that I completely missed the question.  Could you ever so kindly repeat it?
2. I could explain to you the situation, but in the amount of time it takes me to do that there is a pretty good chance that you will lose those last 5 strands of hair you think you’re fooling everyone by combing over across your bald spot, so how about I save you the story so it doesn’t put you in an awkward situation.
3. If I wasn’t running late for my class at the gym then I would fill you in on that, but if you’d like to join me I’d be more than happy to share all the details while I show you what the inside of a gym looks like as I can tell it’s obvious you’ve never stepped inside one.  Don’t worry, they have double doors so I’m sure we’ll be able to get you inside for a look around.
4. To be honest, we were seriously considering having children, but then we got worried that we could lose the genetic lottery and end up with demon spawn just like your children.  Since we weren’t sure if we were ready to start accounts that would be used as bail money and not for college savings we’ve decided to hold off for a while.
5. Oh yes of course I know that in four more years my risk for having a child with a disorder and/or disability increases, but we were thinking if we could put off having kids a little while longer then we could get into the Guiness Book of World Records for being the oldest parents who produced a child with the first physical abnormality of its kind.  My husband is crossing his fingers for a child who has a third foot growing out of its forehead so we can have a future soccer player in the family that has a real advantage on the field.  Imagine all the scholarship potential there on top of the entry into the World Records we could go for with that one.

Feel free to send me any responses that you’ve found work for you.  My goal is to make someone who asks me overly personal questions about our current child-less state to feel just as uncomfortable as I do.  It appears so far that heading in this direction is a heck of lot more entertaining, at least for me, than just saying, “I would rather not discuss that with you since it’s personal.”  Plus, the bewildered looks on faces are really priceless.  If nothing else, maybe it will make them pause for a moment and consider that what they asked before my response just might be incredibly insulting.