Alexis Senge Johnson
After being divorced getting married again can be terrifying. Although you’re obviously happy and in love, the idea of possibly making the same mistake twice can’t help but find its way into your brain. With less then five months left to go we are entering crunch time and as deadlines approach I find myself starting to panic.
Invitations are being created, a cake tasting needs to take place and I need to have my dress altered. However, I’ve been dragging my feet and finally acknowledged out loud that it’s because I’m in full panic mode. I’m so frightened that by moving forward in my life I might make all the same mistakes again and end up heading down the path towards a second divorce if I remarry.
Up until now I was perfectly cool, calm, collected and excited to get married again. It’s as if I woke up one morning and it hit me that we’re quickly approaching the point that there’s no turning back. There was a small voice in the back of my head that made me doubt that I should have gone though with my first marriage. The night before the wedding I realized I was potentially about to make the biggest mistake of my life.
Now, because of everything I’ve already been through, I’m all of a sudden freaking out quietly inside each day and I think it is all because I’m so afraid of what happened last time. It’s like being in a major car accident where you were hit by another driver and then getting back behind the wheel again. Your palms are sweaty, you heart is racing, and you don’t trust anyone around you. How do you move past the bad taste a first marriage left in your mouth and prepare for a second one ahead?
Been there…done that, and I know exactly how you feel. My snippet of wisdom is this: Once I got bit by a dog. At first I was afraid of all new dogs until I realized I just needed to be afraid of crazy, mean dogs. Once I got food poisoning from eating bad shrimp. At first I stopped eating something I loved until I realized that if it’s going to make you sick, it tastes funky, so spit it out! Once I married the wrong man. I swore I’d never marry again…until I met a man who doesn’t make me cry at least once a week, doesn’t hit on other women and doesn’t put his needs before mine…or my daughter’s needs. And that’s how we got Shreve.
Questioning your decision means you learned something…but it’s not rocket science. Re-read your last post…you know the answer!
Thanks mom. I know my first marriage was a learning experience, but I can’t believe how it is coming back to haunt me in my dreams right now. I was doing just fine until invitations were done and are ready to be ordered. Suddenly it put me into a panic that from this point on backing out is hard, so I better be sure I’m doing the right thing this time around.
Talk to your fiancé and reassure yourself that you entering into a partnership that will be built on mutual love, respect, and hard work. Write vows to each other that aren’t empty platitudes but that you can lean on every day, especially when times get hard. Know that times will get hard; external forces and stresses will put pressure on your relationship, you will fight, you may even hate each other sometimes. Marriage isn’t perfect or easy, it is the choice to keep coming back every day because the person is worth it and your life is better with them in it. If these things aren’t true, then don’t do it! But if you have faith that your partner has your best interests at heart and will give your marriage the same level of care and commitment, all you can do is put in the work and have faith! It’s a scary leap but the rewards are unparalleled. Take action to calm your fears, don’t let them consume you or undermine your relationship.
Thanks Erin! I’m trying to not let my fear consume me and I appreciate your words of wisdom as well. You and Jon have done an amazing job with your little family and are always a couple I respect for the ability to get through whatever comes your way.
When you have been married to an @$$###% it can really mess with your head. I don’t know about you, but the first time I was in avoidance mode. I refused to think about ANYTHING. I even worked up until the day before just so i didn’t have time to think… This time however, I have been thinking. Along with excitement, I also have the nerves. I take this as a great sign. I was afraid at first that maybe I suck at marriage. But I know now that the reason my marriage failed was because I married a loser. I know who I am, who Sean is and what kind of relationship we have… We are kind to each other, Sean is not in any way like my ex and I know that we will both work to make it work. Because we both want it to work. Being nervous just means that you really want it to work and you know it can. Like being nervous before a show… In your heart you know you are prepared, but you just care about it so much that the nerves kick in. Take a deep breath… You are perfectly normal for feeling that way. 🙂
Thanks Desiree. It’s funny how we are so many miles away, but share similar stories. I’m so happy things are going well for you dear. I was just talking to Roland about you the other day. Totally admire how you balance it all! Thanks for the kind words and best of luck with your upcoming wedding as well 🙂