When I made the jump from performing into leadership it felt like everyone was there waiting for me with unsolicited advice of how I should change to be a better leader. Now some of those tips were helpful but the majority of it, to be brutally honest, wasn’t. It felt, at the time, as if the fellow managers giving me feedback were just trying to get me to conform with them. Now as an adult, I realize that they didn’t want me to stick out and stretch the leadership position expectations as it would affect them too.
It can be hard as a young leader trying to find your voice and footing when you’re often tasked with managing those older than yourself. I’m here to tell you it’s possible and that you don’t have to lose yourself in the process. The easiest way to start is by taking in the unsolicited advice that you’ll be given, then sitting back and evaluating it for plausibility first. If you agree you need to make a change to something you’re doing, saying, or wearing then you can next evaluate how to do it in a way that is true to yourself.
You might also find that the advice isn’t valid or that they are suggesting you do something that goes against your personal values and it’s okay to recognize that what they are recommending is wrong for you. It’s important to remember that unsolicited advice doesn’t always come from a wholesome place and there could be a personal reason on their end as to why they want you to make the change. Now I’m not saying that your fellow management team is out to get you, as that’s certainly not the case. I just recommend you sit back and evaluate what they’ve told you before you get all worked up, flustered, and start making changes that lead you down a path of feeling a form of imposter syndrome.
I’ve got a few real life examples to help clear up any confusion. In my early leadership years it was explained to me by another manager that I should lead with an iron fist, not with empathy, and not get to know those working for me. I was told that no one would respect me as their manager if I was too nice and I needed to be more stern so they knew I meant business and wasn’t their friend.
I sat back and evaluated what they told me before making any changes and in the end all I changed was my expectations. I reminded myself that members of my staff couldn’t be close friends of mine, but I didn’t stop leading with empathy towards them as humans and quality staff members. You see, I knew that leading without empathy went against my deep personal values.
Deep down I knew I couldn’t be known for leading without empathy and using my emotional intelligence as a part of when making decisions. In the end, it was this fellow manager that struggled in being respected by the team and those that reported to us. Ruling with an iron fist didn’t gain them any respect and their lack of empathy was noticed by everyone but it wasn’t in a good way.
In another position it was recommended by my supervisor that I dress more professionally, but I came to learn that’s not really what they meant after I asked more questions to figure out what their idea of professional was. I was wearing Calvin Klein tailored dresses and blazers with pointed-toe stilettos every day. My hair was sleekly straightened and my makeup was flawless each day so I was completely taken back by their advice.
By asking more questions I came to learn that I wasn’t dressed in a way that people expected, but the actual problem wasn’t how I presented myself. The situation was that others didn’t expect a woman to be in the job; not surprising considering the industry was much more male dominated at the time. The way I presented myself with confidence was making him uncomfortable because our own staff and others in areas we worked with were taking notice. He didn’t like that I was getting such positive feedback from clients, departmental partnerships, and those on our own team when in his mind he felt the way I handled the job was not the way he wanted it to be done.
Changing my clothing would not have changed me and how I did my job, but that was his way of starting to suggest a myriad of changes he wanted me to make. I heard him out, evaluated his suggestion, and in the end made no change to the way I dressed because I knew that presenting myself less confidently was not something I was okay with deep down. Instead, the change I made was to start looking for another job where I could work for a leader that would appreciate the skills I had to offer and that’s exactly what I found.
While feedback is important to all of us when we’re starting out as young leaders, just be sure to sit back and evaluate it before brashly making decisions. Be sure the change is right for you and your leadership style. If it’s not then tackle how you will handle the person that gave you the feedback and keep moving forward.