When I got married the first time I didn’t have cold feet, per se, but I did protest strongly that I was making the right choice despite what everyone around me had to say about it. To this day I’m not sure if I fought so strongly for what I believed because I actually believed deep down that I was right or because I wasn’t allowing myself to see what everyone else saw. This time around I admitted to my fiance that I was having cold feet and was really nervous after what I went through with my last marriage.
I’ve been totally honest with my fiance about my fears and he has been quick to take an understanding stance concerning my nervousness. The more understanding my fiance was, the more I worried and panicked that something must be wrong with me. Then I finally sat back and just asked myself if I was experiencing “cold feet.” I have a habit of panicking before making life changing decisions or large purchases. I broke out in a sweat purchasing my car and almost passed out from anxiety signing all the paperwork for our house when we bought it. I began to question if my instinct to run away and hide from the world was all due to my personal panic attack over remarrying or if I actually felt deep down that it wasn’t the correct thing to do.
I read Giulia Rozzi’s post in the Huffington Post and realized she was perfectly describing me leading up to my first marriage, but that I didn’t see myself that way now. Letting go of my experiences from the past have been difficult, but even harder has been letting go of how I think of myself. I still saw myself as that defiant twenty-five year old that was in essence throwing a hissy fit to prove my independence by getting married. In my fear to not let history repeat itself, I keep forgetting that I’m not that gal any more. I’ve been through a lot in the last five years that allowed me to grow, become stronger, and turn into the woman I am now.
My first marriage taught me that a strong marriage takes work and success in this area of your life, like most areas, isn’t just handed to a couple on a silver platter. After pre-marital classes and a dedication to continue pursuing avenues that will allow us to continue growing stronger as a couple, I realized this is nothing like my last relationship. We are a strong couple and, like many other successful couples, we will stay that way by committing to never stop working on our relationship. Now, all I have to do is figure out how to finish all the items on my to-do list before the wedding date.
